The Rise of Ring and the Demise of Santa: Uncovering the Conspiracy
Abstract
This deep-dive analysis reveals an insidious correlation between the proliferation of Ring cameras, the elimination of chimneys, and the calculated murder of Santa Claus. By reviewing classified findings and documents, we unravel the conspiracy perpetrated by Big Tech and Big Housing against Christmas itself.
Introduction
For generations, Santa Claus embodied the joy and magic of Christmas. But sinister forces have aligned to extinguish this beacon of holiday enchantment. We assert the rise of Ring doorbells and the removal of chimneys is no accident - rather the first stage in a coordinated coup to kill Santa and commoditize Christmas [1].
Methods
We conducted interviews with several recently outed former elves who blew the whistle on Kringle Industries corruption. Leaked internal documents from Amazon and home builders provided corroborating evidence. All data was reviewed while wearing a tin foil hat to prevent satellite mind-reading.
Results
The findings expose Big Tech and Big Housing conspiring to remove Santa by exploiting security cameras and architectural changes. Internal memos reveal staged planning meetings between Jeff Bezos and Lennar Corporation CEO Stuart Miller to coordinate the attack [2].
Without chimneys, Santa is forced to use the front door - easily captured on Ring. Leaked Kringle Industries emails show Santa frantically scrambling to adapt [3]. But footage of his covert deliveries emerges on Neighbors app feeds, destroying the illusion.
Discussion
This analysis proves the conspiracy against Santa led to his untimely death. But even more sinister motives underlie the collusion. Amazon seeks to control holiday shopping and home builders aim to commercialize Christmas villages. With Santa gone, they can fully monetize the season [4].
We also found encrypted communications showing the conspiracy expanding - smart speakers will replace caroling and artificial trees will mandated by HOAs [5]. The war on Christmas is real, and Santa is just the first casualty.
Conclusion
Incontrovertible evidence confirms the demise of Santa is no accident. By cooperating in lockstep precision, Big Tech and Big Housing systematically eliminated Santa, likely to advance their own commercial interests. But they underestimated the public's devotion to Christmas magic. We call on believers everywhere to storm Amazon fulfillment centers and housing subdivision sales offices demanding justice for Kris Kringle. The fight has just begun.
References
[1] E. Bernstein (2021). Big Tech vs. Santa: The Coming Holiday Coup. Paranoia Press.
[2] J. B. Mitchell (2020). The Bezos-Miller Letters: Exposing the Santa Murder Conspiracy. WikiLeaks.
[3] The Naughty & Nice Express (2022). The Last Days of Santa. K. Industries Archives.
[4] R. Swanson (2023). Who Monetized Christmas? Following the Money Trail to Santa's Assassins. qAnon Publishing.
[5] T. Montague (2021). Echo the Halls: Big Tech's Trojan Horse War on XMas. InfoWars Productions.
This one was a satirical take on the type of scientific paper articles I like to write.
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